Baba says, “You need to have a lot of patience; no stubbornness (physical force). Body consciousness is called force.“

After half a cycle of stumbling, hurting myself and others, I came to Baba. For the first time in a very long time, I experienced true, selfless, soul conscious love and acceptance. “You are My child“, He told me. He somehow seems to know every single feeling I feel and why. He knows about all those hidden fears, those strongholds, those bondages that I hadn’t even been aware of. Things about me that I had either assumed to be normal or justified, He shows them to me as causes for my sorrow. “They are the enemy, they are vices, not virtues“, He teaches me. He talks to me about anger, about greed, about attachment, about jealousy, bitterness etc. No matter which vice He chooses to explain about, I seem to have it! I think: “Yes, that’s me! I have that. I am angry, jealous, bitter, possessive,….I am just a big mess!” Sometimes, I wonder why in the world God would want to have anything to do with me.

This way of thinking, this attitude, these feelings, Baba explains, is body consciousness. God is not like an iron-aged human being who judges me based on “perfect behavior’ or on how I “perform”; He sees my heart. He corrects me not in order to make me eligible for His love and approval; rather, He corrects me because He loves me. He already approves of me! He may not approve of all of my behavior, but He approves of me. And no matter how many things I get right or how many things I accomplish, I cannot make Him love me any more than He does right this minute. “The Father cannot bear to see His children labor“, He explains. That’s why He offers correction. He loves me too much to let me stay where I am. He comes to teach me and uplift me and enable me to be all that He knows I am capable of.

But when I don’t understand this truth, I allow myself to feel condemned each time I receive a correction: “There we go! Yet another thing that’s wrong with me!”, “Baba, do You even see a single thing that’s right about me!? You probably think I am such a failure!” Condemnation quickly descends into self-pity and I might even find myself crying in front of Baba, if not externally, in my mind. Let me realize that God is not moved by my self-pity or any other manifestation of body consciousness. He is moved by courage and faith. The sooner I stop judging myself based on ‘performance’ and accept myself as a beloved child of God, the quicker I will progress in my journey.

But when I am still stuck in body consciousness, I try to figure out everything on my own, I think I have to change myself, that I have to become ‘perfect’ so that I can win God’s approval. First, I don’t have to ‘win’ His approval, I already have it. Second, I cannot change myself, only He can. That is why He alone is the Purifier, I am not. But when I confuse the roles, I take charge. And when Baba offers a teaching, for example, when He teaches about anger, I come home all wound up tight and think: “fine, I will conquer this anger!” and adopt an extreme approach such as not speaking at all: if I don’t speak, I won’t get angry…or that’s what I think. In reality though, I still feel angry like I used to but now I’ve made it worse by suppressing it within me. As a result, I feel depressed all the time. Similarly, God tells me to be sweet and so I decide to smile at those people I don’t like while still disliking them on the inside. Let me realize that outward behavior modification doesn’t work, what I need is a change of heart and that is something that only God, the Supreme Surgeon, the Purifier can do.

The Father doesn’t just tell me what’s wrong, He also works with me to purify me. He uses situations and people to pull out those attitudes, those biases, that bitterness, that anger from within me. Maybe last week, He drew my attention toward the way I speak to my family when I don’t get my way and a few days before that, it was about how I respond when I my position is threatened at work. He pulls out every little nuance, helps me realize and changes me little by little. Sometimes, the changes are so tiny, it feels as if nothing is happening and that I am right where I was. But if I were to look back two years or five years, I’d see how much has changed and how I am not even close to the kind of person I was back then. I cannot belong to God and not change, that is not possible. He loves me too much to leave me stumbling. But the problem is that I expect God to do a translation with me when God makes it clear from day one that He’s in the business of transformation. “You need to have a lot of patience; no stubbornness. Body consciousness is called force“, He explains.

Sure, when the karmic account is just too big, God does zap it up, so to speak; He does do magic and finish it off. But that’s very rare. Most of the time, He ‘transforms’ me. He shows me what’s wrong through people and situations, enables me to have the realization and when I show courage and determination to change, He matches it with His enormous will power such that I emerge victorious. That’s the process and as He says: “it takes time to change.” If I am someone who is driven, who is always in a hurry, likes to figure everything out, take control, see fast results, then I am going to be very frustrated in my relationship with God. Because no matter how much I’d like to hurry up, God moves at His own pace. He works with the drama, not outside it. While I often over-estimate my own ability, He knows exactly how big of a morsel to feed me at any given time. He is my Father! He is also my Teacher! He knows His children and His students better than they do. And so while it might seem at times that God is moving at a glacial pace and that nothing is happening, a lot is happening. I am changing.

Let me get wise and allow Him to do the transforming rather than try to force it myself. He is the Purifier, the Teacher and I am the student. So what is my part? To trust God and study well. When I trust, I will not become impatient or try to take charge. To study well is to pay careful attention to what He is teaching me without allowing myself to feel condemned. Only then will I be able to imbibe His teachings and progress toward my destination. Let me always remember that God is my Father, Teacher and my Satguru! I cannot fail, I am not behind, I am right on schedule and victory is my Godfatherly birthright! “You children should remember this again and again and remain cheerful.“, says Baba. “There, those who teach are physical teachers. Here, it is the incorporeal Father, the One who teaches souls, who is teaching you. You will remain happy simply by thinking about this.“