Baba says, ‘You must not have heart failure. Those whose intellects have firm faith can never have doubts.’
Baba is the Ocean of Knowledge and the Purifier. He comes to give me the knowledge of who I am, Who He is and what it is that I need to do. You are a pure, peaceful, loveful soul, He reminds me and not just any soul but a deity soul. I am Your Father, He tells me. Having taken rebirth after rebirth, you became impure and degraded. At this auspicious confluence age, I come to purify you and return you to your original glory, He says. You become a deity again.
That process of transformation from human to deity is not a walk in the park, it involves dying alive from the old world, from the ego, the body consciousness. It’s coming face to face with darkness that I hadn’t realized was hidden inside of me – the jealousy, the anger, the impatience, the condescension, the attachment to ‘I and mine’ and all the rest. It’s hard to watch myself feel these feelings…as the term suggests, I die a little or maybe a lot. While this is darkness I had within me well before Baba, it never bothered me then because I didn’t know better. But now that I have the knowledge, it hurts. It isn’t possible to recognize God and not see the impure stuff come out. You called out to me to make you pure from impure, He reminds me. That’s what I come to do.
Only He is the Purifier and can cleanse me of all the toxins of half a cycle but I need to do my part too – and that is to not faint or have heart failure, as Baba puts it, during the process. To faint or have heart failure, is to feel disheartened, shameful, guilty, condemned which can then lead to me giving up and even leaving God. Let me remember that God is my Father and He knows me better than I know myself. None of my mistakes or sanskars are any surprise to Him. He is here to help me overcome them and He does so without judgment or condemnation. He does so with love. I am the Ocean of Love, He reminds me. His love is the alchemy that heals and transforms, let me never separate myself from God’s love.
Ravan will work overtime to do just that. He will try to convince me that I don’t ‘deserve‘ God’s love, that I need to perform perfectly to ‘earn‘ God’s love. He will tell me: ‘Baba asked you to never get angry and you got angry three times just this week!, Baba’s never going to want to have anything to do with you…’. That is a big, fat lie and I need to push that away immediately. Let me never doubt His unconditionality. Sure, He may want me to improve in a few areas but He cannot love me any more than He does right now. He loves me because I am His child and He will help me transform.
Doubt leaves me midway between believing and not believing and that’s hard to straddle. I need to learn to live by what I know God is telling me. If I know He is doing the work in me to help me overcome anger, it is important to believe all the way to the manifestation or the transformation. Like Homeopathic medicine, chances are the illness gets worse before it gets better but I cannot become afraid and stop taking the medicine. Maybe my anger has gotten worse ever since I realized and decided I needed to change. It’s because the moment I decided, God has started working in me and the Purifier is pulling out the darkness. So when Ravan speaks loudly in my head about how I’ve failed again, how I don’t deserve God’s love or why I’ll never attain my aim, let me tell him to take his doubts and head back to where he came from. I am only who God says I am and I can do every single thing that He says I can do. Sure, the way things seem right now, it might be easier to agree with Ravan but it doesn’t matter what ‘I‘ think or how ‘I‘ feel or what ‘people‘ say or even what the ‘circumstances‘ are. All that matters is what Baba says about me. To stick with that when everything around me seems the opposite, is faith. It’s also what following only Shrimat is all about. It’s God’s will that I will change and He never fails.
Often I think that God does something just the second before it happens, that He snaps His fingers and that until then, I am making effort on my own. Not so! He is the One that helped me realize I had the illness and He is the One that is performing the operation to get it out. Let me believe, let me have the firm faith that God is working on my behalf right now. I know that I’m going to be completely transformed when He’s done with the operation. Rather than struggle, let me wake up each morning excited about what God is going to show me today, what will He and I work on today!
‘Well if God would give me a sign that I will change, if He could give me a vision that I am really becoming a deity, it would help me make effort’. God works with my faith, and faith means that I’ve got to believe before I see it. God isn’t obligated to reveal His plans, His timing or anything else to me. He has told me that if I trust Him and stick with Him, He will purify me and make me the master of heaven. That’s a guarantee! It’s up to me if I want to believe Him or not. Sure, doubts will come but I know enough to know that it’s Ravan at work. Just because a crook knocks on my door, doesn’t mean I have to let him in! When doubt comes knocking, let faith open the door. That’s how I help myself and God.
The truth is that when I know God, I rarely doubt that He can do something, but what I do doubt is if He’ll do it for me. It’s easier to tell others that God is faithful and that He will always come through, but when it comes to myself, I judge myself through the body conscious lens of performance- I made the mess, so God won’t help me, or I’ve had this sanskar too long, clearly I’ve failed at overcoming it etc. etc. I keep forgetting that He is the Purifier, not me. This of course doesn’t mean that I live sloppy and God just waves His wand and fixes everything, but it means that my duty is to do my best and keep my heart turned toward Him. To be focused on what’s wrong with me, constantly taking inventory of my mistakes is neither helping me nor God. It’s causing me to come to a standstill in my journey, causing me to struggle through life rather than enjoy it in His company.
When He shows me something I need to change – that anger, that attitude- let me thank Him for doing so and offer my unhindered partnership to change it. Yes, I’m willing to die alive. Why? Because I’ve lived too many years in ignorance, going around mistreating people, or doing something else without even knowing it. But the only way to be okay with God showing me what’s wrong (because it won’t be pretty) is when I’ve learnt to not be condemned by it. He isn’t condemning me, but I often do. He is showing me, I have to learn to accept in that way.
Only remember Me and the inheritance with your intellect, He tells me daily. Forget everything else you see or hear. Only He is Truth and therefore only He is telling me the truth about me or anything else for that matter. Let me only listen to Him and follow His directions and look away from everything else that distracts me from Him. What He has started in my life, He will finish. So let me keep believing even when nothing looks like it’s working, even when my mind is screaming that this is a fantasy and even when those closest to me are telling me that I must have heard God wrong. Because none of it matters, only what He is telling me does. And so especially at such times, let me surround myself with positive people, those with faith, let me read and re-read the murli, let me go back and remember all the previous victories God’s helped me have, and stir up my faith.
In the natural, things might look impossible, but God is Supernatural and He specializes in the impossible. All I have to do is believe.