Baba says, ‘No matter what happens, never stop studying.’
Along this spiritual journey, there are those times when no matter what I think, speak or do, it’s always wrong. It’s usually a particular sanskar that bothers me. I’ve been working with Baba faithfully and then there comes a day when things go smoothly- that situation where I would be been angry, I remained calm; that person that I’m usually impatient with, I wasn’t; I would be irritated when a specific thing wasn’t done my way but this time, it didn’t even matter. Ha! I think, I’ve finally made it. I even write to Baba: ‘thank you Baba! with Your help, I’ve finally overcome anger and all it’s progeny. Now, I’m ready for service..’ Then, I wait to see where Baba will take me, how He will use me…I’m raring to go, do big things.
Then, the next morning comes around and all of a sudden, the tiniest thing sets me off. I am the most judgmental person I know, I cannot seem to stop the negative chatter in my head about my co-workers…my stage is suddenly all over the place. What happened!?
‘It’s part of the purification process’, Baba assures me, ‘you are still a work in progress.’ Sure, I did make it to a milestone but no, I have not arrived at the destination yet. ‘You have to study till the last breath’, He says. While it’s true that I have made progress in transforming that sanskar, there is still a nook or a corner that Baba needs to clean out. I didn’t even know I had it in me but the Surgeon found it and He is going to get it out. My job is to continue to trust Him and remain on that operating table.
Often during those bursts when everything I touch, think, say, do turns to dust, I panic. The moment she smells fear, Maya roars even louder. Thoughts come: ‘I’m the worst Brahmin that lived…’, ‘I’m such a failure…’, ‘everyone else seems to have it together but I can’t even conquer one sanskar…’, ‘maybe I’m not cut out for this after all….’, ‘Baba must be so disappointed in me…after all that effort He made, I still couldn’t deliver…’, ‘maybe I should just quit this whole thing so Baba can focus on someone who’s actually worthy…’. Baba says, ‘No matter what happens, never stop studying.’ Sometimes, I might not think of leaving Baba but I do think of changing my location- maybe move to another center, away from that person I can’t seem to get along with or go back and focus on that lokik job since I can’t seem to do anything right spiritually. That too is to come to a standstill. Baba says, don’t give up, this is all part of the process. It’s like homeopathic medicine- it gets really worse before it gets better; the illness comes out in full force before it leaves.
Let me remind myself that Baba and I are a team and we have specific roles we are playing. He is the Purifier, I am not. He is the Supreme Surgeon, I am not. It is His job to purify me, if I could do it myself, He wouldn’t need to come to earth. I have had these sanskars with me for half a cycle, they don’t go away so easily. Baba uses situations and people to bring out the impurities hidden within me. This is not a time to feel shame, to feel guilt and shrink back. Rather, it is a time to feel happy: ‘I am becoming pure…’ The world is changing completely in this very short confluence age, of course things are flying around and some hit me in the face. But that’s okay! Doesn’t mean I get a free pass to sit back, be bad and do nothing about it. I do have a role to play as well- it is to study in the area that Baba is teaching me in. Listen to His instructions in the Murli- He is speaking to me, giving me specific directions every day. My duty is to not question it, not analyze it, but to simply obey. The more I remain in remembrance, the more power I have to obey. If my remembrance is weak, then I might have the intent to obey but will lack the power to follow through. Baba says, ‘wake up early in the morning and remember the Father. Churn the knowledge throughout the day.’
I don’t become tensed or feel pressure about this sanskar because that only makes it worse. Rather, I pay attention, remain alert. I’ve promised myself at Amritvela that I will not be sarcastic all day today, I pay attention. When I take one step forward with courage, faith and determination, Baba offers multimillionfold help. Baba says, ‘no matter what happens in the drama, you have the thought that the Father is mine and I belong to the Father. So such souls automatically receive help.’ No matter what happens, Baba says, never step away from the Father or service. Even if your mind cannot stay in remembrance or cannot study, force yourself to listen and continue to have yoga and everything will be fine. Maya waits for her prey: ‘let this soul step aside a little so that I can eat her up..’ Therefore, Baba cautions, never step aside. Never let go of your disciplines– your amritvela, study, service- whatever timetable is set for the day, even if your mind cannot concentrate on that, do not miss anything from the timetable.
‘When you have a clean and honest heart with unbroken love for the Father, then no matter what happens‘, Baba says, ‘you still continue to fly.’ Just as you are number one in love for the Father, do you have the same love for the Murli?, asks Baba. Do you pay real attention to the study? Do you miss murli every now and then? Do you wake up at Amritvela or do you sometimes make excuses? Baba says, ‘Remembrance in the form of the Father, study in the form of the Teacher and using the blessings you have received in the form of the Satguru- you have to be number one in all three.’ Everyone receives blessings but to use the blessings with a right at the appropriate time is known as taking benefit of the blessings.
So check yourself in all three things, He says. No matter what happens, I must never become careless and slacken my effort. Yes, Maya tries to scare me, shame me, guilt me back into the old world but I know better; I know the beginning, middle and end of the drama and therefore am aware of the present time and the purification that is going on. So I remain faithful and obedient to Baba and keep on chipping away. That’s how I become the bead of the rosary of victory. The Father says: ‘I’m not looking for a perfect performance, I am pleased with an honest heart.’