Baba says, ‘let go your limited desires‘. Baba is The Bestower and I am His child. Baba says, you have to become a great donor, a bestower too but you cannot be that until you have your own limited desires.
For half a cycle, I have carried the belief that I am my role, my position, my possessions, my relationships…my whatever else that is external. I have measured myself and others in terms of accomplishments and approvals – if you approve of me/of what I did, I am happy. I am constantly trying to please and impress people because I believe my well-being depends upon them being happy with me.
Because of that belief, we live our lives in fear and anticipation. Anytime we work on a project, we expect feedback, critique, approval etc. If someone does not quite smile at us as usual or walks past us without saying ‘hello’, we tend to jump to conclusions. ‘Maybe they didn’t like what I did’, ‘I bet they found someone else, they don’t need me anymore’, ‘despite all that I do for these people, look how ungrateful they are..’. Then we go into a downward spiral of agony, rejection, disheartenment, jealousy and all the other manifestations of sorrow.
On the flip side, if we receive praise for something we did or someone smiles at us for a few seconds longer, how long does that tape rewind in my mind? sometimes that is the only thing I can think of for days. It is what I draw my energy from, it is what I base my self-respect on.
Then there are subtle desires like the expectations I have from my family and friends. You are my husband or wife or child or friend and so I expect you to behave a certain way with me. I subconsciously make you into an extension of me and impose on you the burden of always knowing the exact right thing to say, do or be at any given moment.
When I am so caught up in my own web of desires, how can I be of assistance to anyone else?
When I came to Baba, I loved Baba, His knowledge and His task. I sincerely want to be everything He wants me to be. So I dress the part, look the part but internally, there is still upheaval because unless there is deep transformation, I simply transfer the same sanskars of dependency over to spiritual life. So I continue to look for approval from the seniors, I want to be stamped ‘good yogi’, I want to be assigned a project, I wonder what my role is and almost wait for someone to hand me a job description. And so because I am still doing the same thing, I experience the same feelings – jealousy, competition, agony…..
‘Consider yourself a soul and remember Me alone‘, says Baba. Have I truly accepted the truth that I am a soul, not the body? Am I letting go of the consciousness of the body and stepping into the consciousness of a soul? Let me in silence go inward, touch base with my truth and then go upward and touch base with my Father. This remembrance is the ONLY way to purification of the old habits and sanskars.
Only when my sanskars change can I help Baba in His task of world transformation. He says, ‘for Me to be able to work through you, I need a clean and clear line with good catching power’. If my mind and intellect are clogged with fear, anxiety, expectations and other dependencies, my line is busy so to speak and it cannot connect with Baba.
So let me remember this auspicious time, who I am, Whom I belong to and what I am here to do. Let me let go of the limited desires and step into the unlimited task of being God’s child and helper.